i dont know how to put my thoughts into words.

I'm just really.. upset. That you shove it back in my face like that.

I KNOW i'm not gorgeous. I KNOW i'm not photogenic. Half of my clothes make me look fat.

Being friends with you is hard enough without you flaunting what I dont have

I wish i had a friend like me

You have all the time for her but forget about me. Great.

I dont ring you because i know it frustrates you, trying to plan stuff in advance. Or even at short notice. But she can text you and "help" and you're there in an instant.

I dont know how to ask for help. But when i do, i ask and you're not there. Either of you.

You ring every week. I pay $6 a month to ring you once, maybe not at all.

That makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap that is being used for a taxi and to moan and bitch to whenever you need it.

Never mind that i work for my money, or that some days i just cant handle your shit.

I dont know how much longer i can do this before I break .

new plan

no more facebook status updates.

at least till i do one about harry potter.

But thats it till the weekend

here i am

Why do i get jealous? It sucks. I cant stand it. It changes my whole mood and I hate that. I hate that it makes me annoyed and upset

I hate when you're too busy to text me all day when you told me before you'd help keep me sane
I hate it that I replied to your text telling you i'd been sick and you replied well over half an hour later. I wanted a hug, someone to tell me it'd be ok. If it was you, i would have offered to ring, or invited you over. But no.

And so here i am, wondering why I'm jealous and trying to work out how to make myself stop. You are great at all your sport, you can carry a conversation with guys, you're pretty. You take the fact your parents spend money on you for granted.

I try to think about how lucky I am to have things

but then i remember the ball

a date $priceless
shoes $100
dress $160
hair $120
makeup $30
bag $50
ticket $100
his ticket $100
---
dress $16
ticket $100
---

and you still dont understand why I can't stand it

can't remember when

Intense week. Good week.

Wednesday just made everything so much better. Miss Brown, you would make an amazing counselor. I really needed that :)

Course plan for Uni - check. Good to have someone else's thoughts. Someone who has done what i want to do, someone who knows where I have been, and someone who knows what I'm capable of. Someone who can tell me these things without sounding like another parent. Or a friend who "has" to be supportive.

You have no idea how grateful I am. I'm smiling. I haven't smiled in weeks.

"Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there"

Thank you so much. You gave me what I needed. Reassurance that it will be ok.