I don't think i have ever prayed as much as i did this weekend

for God...

Why me? I asked you to help me through everything in my life at the moment but every time I ask, you throw something else back at me. I'm stressed, i'm tired, i'm confused, i feel like crap about myself and you throw this at me? Well thank you for that. You said you'd be there. You said you're always there. But I can't see you at all. Things aren't getting better, they aren't even staying the same, they're getting worse. Where are you?
R - relationships. My best friend can't see my pain. Or at least doesn't want to say anything. I know you're there when I talk to her about important things, but I can't do that at the moment because I feel like its not fair on her
I - ideas. Well i seem to be lacking in the "brilliant ideas" department at the moment so i guess thats a no as well
G - Gifts. Where is my Gift? What have I got that makes me stand out from the rest? That makes me who I am? Yeah I can listen to people. Thats good for them isn't it? What about when i want to talk?
H - Hope. It says here "never think God has forgotten you". Well I'm trying not to think it, but I don't really know what else to do at the moment.

T - Thoughts. I don't know how to turn my thoughts to you when it feels like you've left me standing on the edge of a cliff

Do you have something against me? what did i do?

Everyone is telling me to pray about it, but it hasn't helped :'(

* I wanna learn to dance

* I wanna paint my wall dark pink

* I want new shelves in my wardrobe

* I dont want to have a stomach that sticks out

* I don't want to swear

* I wanna be able to play piano better again

* I wanna be fit

that awkward moment when you stop to think and you burst into tears

You're doing to me, what I stopped doing to you, because I knew it hurt you.

I want to hear you, more than anything right now - but I don't know how to listen

Maybe if i just close my eyes?

Life

I wish I could understand my head, so that I can deal with this better. So that i can tell you about it. I don't really fancy rocking up to your house and being like "hey you know that thing you suggested? well I think it might be back." But i really want to talk to you. I'm scared it will never go away. I don't know what causes it, i just know every now and again it comes racing back into my life. I'm scared of what you'll say, I'm scared of what you'll think. I don't know how to even approach the subject. I know its asking way too much, or maybe its not, but i just want you to take one look at me and go "oh my gosh, talk to me" and for you to listen with the capacity that i have to listen. i know i'm not normal, being able to listen like i do, but i can't talk to myself. Then it would just be another mental illness to add to the list. Please help me

I don't even know what I'm feeling any more. Jealousy, sadness, hatred, joy, admiration, proud-ness, annoyance, impending singledom... how do you sum that up into one sentence? Its taking over me and I hate it. It just keeps coming back and I get so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do.

i'm scared of losing you again

“So tonight I reach for my journal again. This is the first time I’ve done this since I came to Italy. What I write in my journal is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I’m scared they will never leave. I say that I don’t want to take the drugs anymore, but I’m frightened I will have to. I am terrified that I will never really pull my life together.
In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing on the page:

I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and Braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship—the lending of a hand from
me to myself when nobody else is around to offer solace—reminds me of something that happened to me once in New York City. I walked into an office building one afternoon in a hurry, dashed into the waiting elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glance of myself in a security mirror’s reflection. In that moment, my brain did an odd thing—it fired off this split-second message: “Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!” And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome, and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page.

Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a FRIEND…

I fell asleep holding my notebook pressed against my chest, open to this most recent assurance. In the morning when I wake up, I can still smell a faint trace of depression’s lingering smoke, but he himself is nowhere to be seen. Somewhere during the night, he got up and left. And his buddy loneliness beat it, too.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert

Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone, then to cry all alone.

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own.

Today I am proud of my best friend.
Seeing your happiness made me smile so much it hurt :)

Congratulations on such an awesome win