I don't like being scared :(

I know you've changed
We both have
But you're my best friend
And that (I hope) will never change

I know i'm emotional
I know i'm a bit of a head case
I know my breakdowns are hard to deal with

I understand more than I think you want to believe
More than you give me credit for

I'm not entirely stupid or oblivious



I got upset about Saturday because you were at Cherie's for her 18th
Isnt that nice that she was able to spend time with her best friends
on an important day?
You weren't there for mine
All i got was 8 word comment on facebook.
Yes i know you planned to come down,
But the reality is, you didnt
and it sucks more than anything else in the world

Put on a brave face

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well known sadnessand and I have to sit down for a while
the feeling that I'm losing her forever
and without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
that funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
the feeling in it slipping through my fingers all the time
do I really see what's in her mind
each time I think I'm close to knowing
she keeps on growing
slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
barely awake I let precious time go by
then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
and a sense of guilt I can't deny
what happened to the wonderful adventures
the places I had planned for us to go
well, some of that we did, but most we didn't
and why, I just don't know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
the feeling in it slipping through my fingers all the time
do I really see what's in her mind
each time I think I'm close to knowing
she keeps on growing slipping through my fingers all the time
sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
and save it from the funny tricks of time(slipping through my fingers)

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile

And so here I sit, crying and I'm torn between wanting to stop and wanting to cry forever until someone notices.

Until you notice.

I dont know that you understand exactly how much talking to you makes everything crap in the world go away

Not in a creepy way, just in the fact that you're my OMP (remember that?) and you know more about me than anyone.

But tomorrow I'll put on a brave face,

and go to school,

attempt to study,

eat in form class,

text and facebook under the desk in english while half paying attention,

quietly at interval freaking out about 3rd period,

get my chem results and either cry or not,

sit in stats attempting to do work,

sit through lunch wishing i had more food

and then it'll be calc where hopefully i'll be pleasantly surprised with my results from my test but knowing my luck probably not.

Then attempt to remember all the crap from integration last year.

Maybe she'll notice i'm faking it,

maybe she'll see the pain in my eyes and give me a hug like the ones i give her when i can see she's not ok

but probably not.

she'll probably just ignore it, not wanting to have her day ruined

So i'll put on my brave face once more

Oi You

if you've stuffed her up in any way whatsoever, i'm gonna kick your ass

i've never been so scared in my life. I dont want to lose you, do you not realise how much it means to me, having you in my life?

You said you'd always be there but now you're grumpy at me every day. Was it something I said? or just my existence?

I want to tell you about my birthday, the ball, the uni open day, my day at work, my calculus test, my results for 3.1 when i get them back tomorrow.

Coz i thought that being best friends meant that you wanted to know. Just like i want to know how house sitting was.

And the reason i wanted to know if you'd got the mail was because it had $40 cash in it and if it got lost then it would be ME that would have to pay you another $40

Today is Saturday

Today I'm going to work

Tonight I'm babysitting some cute cousins

Tonight I'll be doing some homework

Today its sunny

Today is our day

Tonight I'll be sitting waiting for you to text me

Waiting for a thank you

and a hi, you looked gorgeous at the ball

and a, how was your birthday

But i dont know if i'll get it

Where the hell did my best friend go?

oi

i just sent you 40 bucks in the post.

it should have arrived this arvo

least you could do is text and say thanks

I want my best friend back. Simple as that.

You said those words to me. And That song I can never get out of my head.

"If you ever need me don't forget i'm only a letter, text, phone call or even a plane ride away. I'm gonna be expecting a visit"

"When the world leaves you feeling blue, you can count on me, i will be there for you... never ever forget that i've got you and you've got me"

Where are you now?

You've got another Fatty. You said so yourself. Fatty Cherie.

Fatty steph

Fatty germs

Fatty kimbo

The 3 fatties

I know you have other friends but there was no need for that.

I'm keeping myself together for Stephs sake. And mine. I dont want to lose my friendship with her. It means too much.

I hesitated when someone asked if you were "like my bestest friend?" That was awful

"i'm jealous of the people who get to see and be with you everyday"

Replaced

What happened to us? You used to love talking to us and would get so excited for a phone call. Now you've got a new fatty that you spend all your time with. I get that she was your friend ages ago, before me. You've told me that before. But that hurt like a bitch to feel replaced like that. So i'm not gonna text you on saturday. If you want to talk, you can text me first. I hate having to do this but its the only way i can stop myself from hurting

awesome night last night

i discovered my family are a bunch of nutters

rediscovered actually

still nothing on the other front... :(

ball tonight. .

nails - check

shave - soon

toenails - shortly

makeup - 2pm

hair - 4pm at stephs

ooo better go charge my camera...

24hours later and still not a thing


sorry about the repetition (the one person who actually reads this) but this is kinda pissing me off now. Not to mention its a bit upsetting

feeling as rejected as the veggie packet in two minute noodles...

still nothing... :(

not even a text goodnight

hurt is awful

that kinda hurts you know.
you're my best friend and i get exactly the same facebook wall post as C.
no texts
not a phone call
nothing.

that sucks so much








or am i just being stupid?

its my birthday, its my birthday *sings*

this snow is amazing!!!!!!

So excited! Although, i'd like to be able to see everyone on my birthday....









and about the ball, i dont need to be compared to Shauni every 5 minutes
"oh yes we did that for shauni's back with concealer"
"shauni's hair is so much easier to do coz its way thinner than yours. Get yours thinned before the ball if you can"

No. I cant.

This is MY ball not Shauni's. Its being made all about you enough as it is with Conor. I dont need you reminding me of her every 5 minutes.

I want it to be special for me and so far thats not really happening to be honest.

if you're gonna use the "i wasnt texting coz we were busy" excuse, then at least stop going on facebook on your phone and appearing on my chat. Its pissing me off

i dont think i've ever felt this lonely...

i wish there was someone who would put their life on hold just for me

who doesnt check their calendar to see if they can spend time with me

who wants to stay up late to text me, when i'm happy or when i'm sad

i hate that i'm at home babysitting and no one wants to reply to my messages :(

that awkward moment where you think someone actually wants to know whats wrong and you tell them and they go offline

i feel like we have nothing to talk about. That sucks so much

screw you

cant rewind

i'm sorry that i'm not the person that i was last year or the year before.
i wish that we could be back to how we were,
when no one had moved away
when guys didn't matter and if they did there was nothing bad or confusing about it
when school wasn't so hard and i was still passing everything
when my teachers cared about my grades
when it didnt matter if one of us wasnt here because the other two always were
when i didn't snap at the slightest things
when i didnt feel left out most bio lessons
when i had the motivation to do things
when it didn't matter that we didnt have ball dates coz we had each other
when we werent afraid to yell at each other across the school
when hearing "GERMS!" made my day
when i hadnt gone to the funeral of a 17 year old and watched as her family filled her grave
when economics was the highlight of my day
when rangers was full of smiley people and library jokes
when i didnt have to worry about uni
when it didnt matter how much work i was getting or how much i'm paid
when my car just "Went"without needing crap
when we didn't have so much work to do
when you werent so obsessed with your homework that you forgot about your friends
when it didnt feel like you'd rather spend time in palmy than with me
when i didnt think that some days i'd rather her over you
when i went to my other family's house on wednesday afternoons
when K & I watched jeremy kyle while eating pies and custard buns from broadway
when we knew for certain we'd be friends forever

I wish so much that we could go back to all this

I'm standing on the bridge,
i'm waiting in the dark
i thought that you'd be here by now
there's nothing but the rain
no footsteps on the ground
i'm listening but there's no sound

isn't anyone trying to find me
wont somebody come take me home?

Its a damn cold night
trying to figure out this life
wont you, take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
i dont know who you are
but i, i'm with you
i'm with you

i'm looking for a place
i'm searching for a face
is anybody here, i know?
coz nothings going right
and everythings a mess
and no one likes to be alone

isn't anyone trying to find me?
wont somebody come take me home?

Its a damn cold night
trying to figure out this life
wont you, take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
i dont know who you are
but i, i'm with you
i'm with you

Oh, why is everything so confusing
maybe i'm just out of my mind
yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, oh

its a damn cold night
trying to figure out this life
wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
i dont know who you are
but i, i'm with you
i'm with you
take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
i dont know who you are
but i, i'm with you
oh
i'm with you
i'm with you

phone calls

i was looking so forward to that phone call.

so why is it that the second i hung up all i could do was cry?

I miss my best friend so much :"((

You never text me first just for a conversation, its always to plan our friendship. :'(

You say we can tell everything thats going through the other's head just by looking. Words dont need to be spoken to understand.

Why then, cant you see the pain this is making me go through?