I wish you were proud of me for just being me... i can't please you can i?

Any time you wanna be happy for me, feel free! Just because I'm not living my life the way you wanted doesn't make it any less acceptable. For the first time in a long time i actually feel like this is where i'm meant to be. I've found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with but you keep freaking out. Stop pushing me away

I am so in love with you

I don't know what I wan to do now. I'm starting to wonder if I ever actually enjoying science at school or if it was just the teaching style i liked. I don't know anymore.

Argh. Why do I always end up thinking about everything all at once? Trust me to overload on a million important things all at the same time.

I know that I know you do... and I know I should always know that... But I wish I knew for certain - completely and unwaveringly... Instead of having to convince myself each day.

I hate that you can still make me feel like you're better than me

argh! This would be so much easier if I actually had any interest in the topic.

I'm beginning to wonder if it would just be easier to have a clean cut, rather than this confusion  ofnot knowing how much I can tell you about things. I don't trust you anymore and that makes me sad, but I have other people in my life who I can trust, who aren't going to judge me for what I say, and who aren't going to get all grumpy at me every week for having a bad day once in a while. A clean cut seems like it would be so much easier, but it wouldn't happen because I'd still see you every week :/

Owl City - Vanilla Twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Sanctus Real - These Things Take Time

I want to know why pain makes me stronger
I want to know why good men die
Why am I so afraid of the dark, but I stray from the light?
I want to know why You gave me eyes when faith is how I see
And tell me, is it easier to doubt or harder to believe?
Oh, there's so many questions stirring in me

And I'm wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find
I want to know all the answers
But I'm learning that these things take time
Yeah, these things take time

How can success make us feel like failures?
And the harder we fall, the harder we try
The more I have the more I need just to feel like I'm getting by
Oh, there's so many questions in one short life

And I'm wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find
I want to know all the answers
But I'm learning that these things take time
Yeah, these things take time

And we spend so much time chasing our tails
Hoping to find every last answer to everything in life
So many questions, not enough time

But I'm still wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find
I want to know all the answers
but I'm learning that these things take time
Yeah, these things take time

Hey, we all want to understand why evil lives, and good men die
On the way to Heaven, the truth unwinds
These things take time
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

I find it funny how that song reminded me of our friendship weeks ago... :/

everyday I spend with you is the new best day of my life :)  

I don't really want to be treated like your own personal punching bag any more... There's only so many times that I can forget how you made me feel. I'm happy. I'm sorry I didn't realise its such a crime.

I hope this doesn't last...

I never thought I'd say it but for you to suggest that was just bitchy

it makes me sad that you were ok with everything when it was just me, but now its not just me anymore and you can't handle it...

ohmygoodness

eeeeeeeep! That is all!!

i wish i could tell you how sad it makes me

I'm trying to slow down , to make sure things turn out ok, but its all happening so quickly. Surely I'm not just seeing things? . Its not just me?

I wish it was tuesday

Do I light up your world like you light up mine?

if only you knew...

i just can't be good enough can I?

Sometimes feelings go away after you see a person again after you've been thinking about them all week. Sometimes you realise that a lot of the things that you liked were just created by your imagination...
I don't think that's the case... Even just a few minutes brightened my day :)

I'm kinda nervous about next weekend now... :/ I don't know who to talk to about it.. and i don't know what to say about how i feel

i feel like you've completely taken my place and now there is no where for me to fit

*sigh* I don't know what to think. Now that its out there it seems so ... strange..
I'm not the kind of girl that a guy like you would be interested in.

Go with the flow.. thats what i've been told. I'm trying.. but imagination is a great thing. It just creates these scenarios. All the time. I find myself picturing what it would be like... and it makes me smile...

oh my gosh, what am i doing??

i hate being the only one who is growing up and going to uni, while everyone else is still acting like they're 15. I know a couple of you moved away and that's really cool, but no one here seems to realise just quite how big this is for me, and still get to just muck around, with weekend jobs and all the free time they could want. Holidays don't matter any more because they have the whole week. I'm always the one that has to be the adult

you know how to make me feel like crap don't you? Were you telling the truth last week or are you just lying to make me feel like crap on purpose?

I can't help but feel that its just part of a check list

i really have to talk to you...

i just have one question for you... deep down, somewhere inside you, do you think that there is more to life that just living and dying? Do you think that maybe there is a God?

I hate not being able to tell you. I feel like I can't tell anyone what's going on inside my own head, for fear of being judged. I'm scared I'll be ignored, or blamed for seeking attention, or complained at for not being perfect.

i'll be ok

God, give me strength

today something happened, and i instantly thought i'd tell you about it. Coz you'd laugh. It made me sad when i had to think about whether you would laugh or not... I'm just thankful that you did...

I'm prepared to makes this work, but you're gonna have to meet me halfway. I have told you what I need my friends to do, but i'm not sure you even read it... The main thing i wanted you to do, or rather stop doing, you haven't don't at all. I've grown up a heck of a lot more than you realise in the last couple of weeks. With playing mum for a week at the same time as o week, and then starting uni. My whole life is changing around me, and I don't want to loose you, I want to deal with this like grown ups and move on.

Maybe if I write it here, I will be more committed?

My Goal: is to try and pray every hour for the next two weeks.

I tried to start a few days ago but its just been so full on that I haven't been able to remember.I will try and do it before every lecture to help me get into the habit. Wish me luck.

i wanna tell you about my day :/ Its been full on but fun. I got epically lost. I wanted to laugh about it with you...

I dont want to face monday without you

I'm sorry. I won't say anything else

huh. way to throw it in my face then..

one day it won't be this hard anymore

one day

the photo's all around make me sad...

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh

..And this is where I went to school

... Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for

..We used to listen to the radio

And sing along with every song we know

...

I've heard that its easier to just forget everything and leave. But I don't want to do that. I'm going to make an effort, but you have to show me that you are as well because otherwise thats not fair

" And I remember more than ever, we didn’t have to fight to be together. We use to hang around grooving to a different sound but things have changed"

Why can't we just change with them? We don't have to be the same. But we can grow with the change

really could do with having mum here right now. I want a hug goodnight before i go to bed, telling me that it'll be ok. Instead i get to clean the kitchen and yell and the cat and try and clean my room before setting my alarm for 7 am to do it all over again

I don't know what to say any more. I've yelled before. I cried today. I want to be able to have an opinion without being shot down. More than anything I just want it to be understood how that made me feel

It just suddenly hit me. Next week I properly start uni. I have lectures everyday except wednesday. 3 Hours of my day is spent commuting to and from uni. An hour of that is walking up/down a hill. I have an essay to write due in 5 weeks about what Homo florensienis is. I barely know anyone at uni and i've just remembered how scary making new friends is. I'm so nervous its insane. It has finally hit me. All the information and powerpoints for the lectures are pretty much already online. Its suddenly become real and its kinda freaking me out. I keep getting lost but i'm slowly working it out. I need to buy a lab coat. Either $55 from uni, or one off trademe. I think option b is probably going to work out better

I just want you to know how much that hurt, and for you to apologise for going about it the way that you did.

i care more than you will ever know. But right now i'm struggling to see how we got this far

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

i feel strange..

Question: I am confused. There seems to be some contradictory data. I felt that You were saying that sometimes the best help we can give people is to leave them alone. Then I felt You were saying, never fail to help someone if you see that person needs help. These two statements seem to be at odds...

Answer: Let Me clarify your thinking on this.

Never offer the kind of help that disempowers. Never insist on offering the help you think is needed. Let the person or people in need know all that you have to give- then listen to what they want; see what they are ready to receive.

Offer the help that is wanted. Often, the person or people will say, or exhibit by their behaviour, that they just want to be left alone. Despite what you think, leaving them alone might be the Highest Gift you can then offer.

If, at a later time, something else is wanted or desired, you will be caused to notice if it is yours to give. If it is, then give it.

I wanted to share this with you, but I'm nervous about starting that conversation after the events of the past week. I wanted to say, that once again, after so long, I have found myself thinking that maybe God does care. That's a bit hard to come to terms with on my own

I'm biting my tongue so hard its bleeding

So God, it looks like we meet again...
Thank you for the courage to ask for a pay rise. For the first time, I actually felt like you weren't leaving me out on my own. Made a nice end to the day after being told to F off by my boss...

Please help me. I don't know how much longer I can do this on my own. I hate being her. I hate snapping at my friends. I hate feeling like things are a million times worse than they actually are. I hate crying over stupid things. I never used to be like this. I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to talk half as much as I listen and not risk ruining something if I'm honest about my feelings. I have a gift to listen. I get that. I just wish that I could talk without saying the wrong thing. Or that I could talk to my best friends without them criticising my honest opinion.
I don't want to lose my friends because of this, God. I've already come so close, so many times. I can't lose them.
I can' do this without you, but i don't know how to find you.

I'm sorry that I keep stuffing things up. Please help me to know what to do

Amen

So, I don't trust you because you went and announced my problems to the world. But they don't trust me. They believed you over me. There was no second guessing what you said because you are so "amazing and truthful". But they didn't trust me. Not until they'd had a go and got grumpy.

Yeah, if there is a problem we deal with it together, but you did the same thing by believing him without even approaching me until late the next night

It takes a lot for a person to gain my trust. There aren't very many people out there who I can pour my heart out to, but these past few weeks you have been one of them. I found the guts to ask you to pray for me, I told you what was going on in my head, I pretty much told you about my fears of depression. I told you how angry I am at myself, how upset I am at myself. How I'm selfish for being jealous. How I feel like I can't tell my friends about my problems because I want to make sure they are ok first. How much that frustrates me. Among many other things! But NOWHERE in there did it say "i feel like an outcast". And NOWHERE in there did it say "hey go ahead and tell my best friends something that you THINK i meant". You are NOT a counsellor yet. I don't care how good you are at listening and "giving advice". You cannot figure out what you think i mean through TEXT messages for goodness sake! I trusted you

You don't need no friends
get back your faith again
you have the power to believe
another dissident
take back your evidence
it has no power to deceive

I'll believe it when I see it, for myself

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

I sit with them all night
everything they say is right
but in the morning they were wrong
I'll be right by your side
come hell or water high
down any road you choose to roam

I'll believe it when I see it for myself

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive, yeah

darling, I believe, Oh Lord
sometimes it's hard to breathe, Lord
at the bottom of the sea, yeah yeah

I'll believe it when I see it for myself

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset
I can see the sunset
I can see the sunset
I don't need no one
Ohhhh
I don't need no one
I don't need no one
I don't need no one
To tell me about heaven
I believe
I believe it, yeah

I hate my eyes so much right now... that is all

Where are You God?

I asked for strength to get through everything but instead of getting better, instead of even staying the same, i'm getting more stressed. Not even stressed, just sad. I think I'd rather be stressed than sad. At least then i can explain it. I can't explain bursting into tears as soon as I turned the car back on last night. Or crying in the car on the way out tonight, or on the way home. For once I want to cry and have someone hold me for as long as I need to cry. But something inside me has to make sure that everyone else is ok before I let on that I'm not ok. I want to be able to be the one who blurts it all out. But I can't stop putting everyone else first. Its what I do. I know that God has given me this wonderful gift of listening and being there for my friends when they need me, but surely the other side of that is that I have enough strength to get help when I need it? I can't keep living my life by making sure other people are ok. I want to be able to make myself ok.

Memories

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

feels like me sometimes

I thought I had done everything I could. Turns out I was wrong. I've never done something like that, and it was an honour and a privilege to be able to. I don't know if I said the right things, I hope that I did. I barely had 3 words out and I was nearly joining you in the tears. It makes me so sad to see you so stressed and confused. It makes me sad to see you cry, but knowing that I can be there for you makes me feel like I'm the richest person on earth

“It’s hard being left behind. It’s hard to be the one who stays.”

“All friendships have ups & downs &, for whatever reason, girls can be incredibly bitchy to one another for no apparent reason. But when you’ve got great friends these little spats will last for maybe a day. Not weeks. Not months. & then you’ll make up & want to get together again to plot a way for that hottie who catches your bus to finally notice you.”

I don't know what's wrong but I can't do anything if you don't tell me. If you don't want to tell me that's fine, but please don't go all defensive if I try and help. You asked how I was earlier but things like that just become routine sometimes. Would you have noticed if I had said I was feeling crap? I put aside my crap feelings to see if you're ok, and i know that's not something everyone can do so easily, but it feels like you don't even notice sometimes.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be moaning. I'm not annoyed, or angry. I'm just upset.

I hope you'll treat me the same....

I know its not a complete fake smile anymore, but it still makes me kinda sad. I wish you could see that

"You'll never know that God is all you need, until God is all you've got"

I don't think i have ever prayed as much as i did this weekend

for God...

Why me? I asked you to help me through everything in my life at the moment but every time I ask, you throw something else back at me. I'm stressed, i'm tired, i'm confused, i feel like crap about myself and you throw this at me? Well thank you for that. You said you'd be there. You said you're always there. But I can't see you at all. Things aren't getting better, they aren't even staying the same, they're getting worse. Where are you?
R - relationships. My best friend can't see my pain. Or at least doesn't want to say anything. I know you're there when I talk to her about important things, but I can't do that at the moment because I feel like its not fair on her
I - ideas. Well i seem to be lacking in the "brilliant ideas" department at the moment so i guess thats a no as well
G - Gifts. Where is my Gift? What have I got that makes me stand out from the rest? That makes me who I am? Yeah I can listen to people. Thats good for them isn't it? What about when i want to talk?
H - Hope. It says here "never think God has forgotten you". Well I'm trying not to think it, but I don't really know what else to do at the moment.

T - Thoughts. I don't know how to turn my thoughts to you when it feels like you've left me standing on the edge of a cliff

Do you have something against me? what did i do?

Everyone is telling me to pray about it, but it hasn't helped :'(

* I wanna learn to dance

* I wanna paint my wall dark pink

* I want new shelves in my wardrobe

* I dont want to have a stomach that sticks out

* I don't want to swear

* I wanna be able to play piano better again

* I wanna be fit

that awkward moment when you stop to think and you burst into tears

You're doing to me, what I stopped doing to you, because I knew it hurt you.

I want to hear you, more than anything right now - but I don't know how to listen

Maybe if i just close my eyes?

Life

I wish I could understand my head, so that I can deal with this better. So that i can tell you about it. I don't really fancy rocking up to your house and being like "hey you know that thing you suggested? well I think it might be back." But i really want to talk to you. I'm scared it will never go away. I don't know what causes it, i just know every now and again it comes racing back into my life. I'm scared of what you'll say, I'm scared of what you'll think. I don't know how to even approach the subject. I know its asking way too much, or maybe its not, but i just want you to take one look at me and go "oh my gosh, talk to me" and for you to listen with the capacity that i have to listen. i know i'm not normal, being able to listen like i do, but i can't talk to myself. Then it would just be another mental illness to add to the list. Please help me

I don't even know what I'm feeling any more. Jealousy, sadness, hatred, joy, admiration, proud-ness, annoyance, impending singledom... how do you sum that up into one sentence? Its taking over me and I hate it. It just keeps coming back and I get so overwhelmed, I don't know what to do.

i'm scared of losing you again

“So tonight I reach for my journal again. This is the first time I’ve done this since I came to Italy. What I write in my journal is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I’m scared they will never leave. I say that I don’t want to take the drugs anymore, but I’m frightened I will have to. I am terrified that I will never really pull my life together.
In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing on the page:

I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and Braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship—the lending of a hand from
me to myself when nobody else is around to offer solace—reminds me of something that happened to me once in New York City. I walked into an office building one afternoon in a hurry, dashed into the waiting elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glance of myself in a security mirror’s reflection. In that moment, my brain did an odd thing—it fired off this split-second message: “Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!” And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome, and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page.

Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a FRIEND…

I fell asleep holding my notebook pressed against my chest, open to this most recent assurance. In the morning when I wake up, I can still smell a faint trace of depression’s lingering smoke, but he himself is nowhere to be seen. Somewhere during the night, he got up and left. And his buddy loneliness beat it, too.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert

Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone, then to cry all alone.

I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own.

Today I am proud of my best friend.
Seeing your happiness made me smile so much it hurt :)

Congratulations on such an awesome win