I shouldn't feel like this but I do. Of all people, I have no right to be feeling this way

I'm surrounded by people who do amazing things - win international medals, travel the world with a passion, someone who has the biggest heart for God that i know, people who have this desire to help with whatever it is - no matter the situation, people who are crazily smart or creative. What is it that makes me fit in with these people? I get an awesome award that I worked my butt off for but its through an organisation that forgets to acknowledge successes in public. I feel so, ordinary. So plain compared to all of you. There's nothing amazing about me. I'm just tagging along while you all be extraordinary

What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

-----

I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad.
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Want to feel your warmth upon me
I want to be the one

[Chorus]
I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much to deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

[Chorus]

I'm so afraid to love you
But more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness
Deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life

[Chorus: x2]

-------

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont

I've missed you so much. i'd forgotten how much you make me laugh at stupid little things and how easy it is to talk to you about anything and everything. To hear you say that you felt the same about it made me so happy i nearly cried. So thank you, and thank you to God as well.

"Do this in remembrance of me"

With respect to Holy Communion, it is up to the communicant to decide whether they are in a state of grace and worthy to receive the Eucharist. Each one of us makes that decision.
Roger Mahony

I want to talk about Christmas eve with you but i'm not sure how... :/

There's so much more I could have said today. I've haven't been able to talk like that for months

where do i fit in? Just out of curiosity... they're all so sporty and gorgeous and skinny and funny

I'm so scared. I think thats what it is. This feels so normal, so right. But I keep remembering how close we were to breaking that fine thread that was all that remained of our friendship. I don't want to push to far. Its taking all of my will power. I just want things to be how they used to be

Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren't the same

[Pre-Chorus:]
Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die

[Chorus:]
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry:

This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorry!

[Chorus]


------------

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

They took all the trees
And put 'em in a tree museum
And they charged the people
A dollar and a half to seem 'em

Don't it always seem to go,
That you don't know what you've got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Hey farmer farmer
Put away the DDT
I don't care about spots on my apples
Leave me the birds and the bees
Please!

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
Hey, now they paved paradise
To put up a parking lot
Why not?

Listenin' late last night
I heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi
Took my girl away
Now, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Hey now, now
Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
To put up a parking lot

I don't want give it
Why you want give,
Why you want give it all away?
Hey hey hey
Now you want give it,
Ah she want to give it
Cause she givin' it all away
Now now now

Hey pave paradise
Put up a parking lot

I feel a bit out of place... all your other friends are so sporty and skinny and funny and gorgeous.

I do a bit of tramping and skiing but I'm not a national representative at anything. I'm just average me. It feels like i'm a little helicopter in the middle of a bunch of super fast jumbo jets

I hope it helps. I was thinking about it all a lot today, and I realised that knowing that we are getting along better, and hope for the future actually filled my heart with happiness that i haven't had for a long time. I guess that I have God to thank for that - however scary that may be :)

Today I had the crappiest most stressful day with plans changing the whole time. All i wanted to do was cry. Mum was yelling, me and dad were arguing, and I texted you. You don't know anything about my crap day and that's completely fine with me. Just having a normal cheerful conversation with you has made my night so much better. So thank you.

I miss you so much... Its hurts

argh

fake it till you make it

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'Cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(Come on, give me a break will you?)
Take a chance on me
Oh you can take your time baby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna get you
You don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, I ain't gonna let you
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough to last when things are rough
It's magic
You say that I waste my time but I can't get you off my mind
No I can't let go
'Cos I love you so

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best, baby can't you see
Gotta put me to the test, take a chance on me
(Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me)

Ba ba ba ba baa, ba ba ba ba baa ba-ba
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me

You are such a butthole. No need to get all stupid and wussy

This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

How many days in a year?
She woke up with hope but she only found tears.
And I can be so insincere,
Making her promises never for real!
As long as she stands there waiting,
Wearing the holes in the soles of her shoes!
How many days disappear?
When you look in the mirror so how do you choose?
Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way-
But you never seem to run out of things to say...

THIS IS THE STORY OF A GIRL,
WHO CRIED A RIVER AND DROWNED THE WHOLE WORLD!
AND WHILE SHE LOOKED SO SAD IN PHOTOGRAPHS,
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER,
WHEN SHE SMILES...

How many lovers would stay?
Just to put of with this shit day after day!
How did we wind up this way?
Watching our mouths for the words that we say.
As long as we stand here waiting,
Wearing the clothes of the souls that we choose!
How do we get there today?
When we're walking to far for the price of our shoes!
Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way-
But you never seem to run out of things to say!...

THIS IS THE STORY OF A GIRL,
WHO CRIED A RIVER AND DROWNED THE WHOLE WORLD!
AND WHILE SHE LOOKED SO SAD IN PHOTOGRAPHS,
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER,
WHEN SHE SMILES...

Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way-
But you never seem to run out of things to say...
This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looks so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her-

This is the story of a girl;
Her pretty face she hid from the world!
And while she looks so sad and lonely there,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

This is the story of a - girl!
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looks so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...
When she smiles
.

I wish someone would say this to me.
I wish YOU would say this to me

I wish i had more close friends :/

Parachute... to go, or not to go...

This is it. Last NCEA exam ever... Where the heck did 13 years of schooling go?

I can remember all my teachers, is that weird? Except some kindy ones...

Parkway Kindy - Carol, Jo and someone else

Petone Kindy - Leigh and some others that i can't remember

New Entrance Hutt Central School Room 8 - Ms Oliver (She was awesome!)

Year 1 Room 7 - Miss Still and Mrs McGuiness

Year 2 Room 7 - Miss Still and Mrs McGuiness (They were both really cool)

Year 3 Room 1 - Miss Wilson

First half of Year 4 Room 1 - Miss Wilson (A lot of double ups here!)

Second half Year 4 Room 18 Silverstream School - Mrs Raxworthy (interesting memories there!)

Year 5 Room 16 - Ms McKay (bumped into her the other day and she still remembered me)

Year 6 Room 15 -Mrs Maitland

Fergusson Year 7 Room 14 - Mr Webb

Year 8 Room 7 - Miss Collins

UHC Year 9

Form Teacher - Mr Kendon

English -Mr potts (ugh)

Maths - Miss Liu

PE - Miss udy

Health - mr schaeffer

SST - mrs cook

science - miss savage(mrs kitt)

Graphics - mr jameson

Textiles - miss heartly-smith (man she was a cow)

ICT - miss bojivic

history - mr hurd

Year 10

Form teacher - miss finnegan

english - mrs chalmers

maths - mr beckett and ms de lautour

pe - mr schaeffer

health - mr schaeffer

Sst - mrs maiava

science - mrs joon

ict - mr curry

textiles - ms williamson

year 11

form - miss finnegan

english - ms taylor

maths - mr wooding and mr papa (oh what a year)

science - miss brown

history - mr hurd

ict - ms yourokova

economics - mr green

year 12

form -mr wilson

english - mr potts

maths - mr gurney

bio - miss brown

chem - miss laing

computing - mr curry

eco - mr green

year 13

form - mr wilson

english - mr martin

stats - mrs hall and miss sy

calc - ms finnegan

bio - mrs kitt

chem - miss laing

ha. i did it

Just breathe Jess...

The Baptist churches have no official policy regarding who may receive Communion. Each individual church is autonomous and sets its own policy. Some churches restrict Communion to members of that specific church; some open Communion to anybaptized Christian; some open it to anyone present. Some Southern Baptist churches limit Communion to baptized Southern Baptists. Most ministers place the decision about whether to receive Communion in the hearts and minds of those present.

you make me so sad sometimes...

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by the incomparable Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

Its obviously not fine, but unfortunately you're the only one I can talk to about it and you wont hang around for an extra 5 minutes to talk to me. Staying up late to talk to guys is higher up your priority list than staying up late to talk to me. I'm not angry or annoyed, i'm just hurt. It makes me want to cry

I really want to talk to you about how this has affected me. I know it has affected you hugely but its kinda had a big impact on some decisions i need to make. it would be nice to talk about it...

I wanted to talk to you today, but I didn't want to intrude or interrupt your life. How crap is that? Thats not how its supposed to be

i'm terrified

Just because i've "found God" as you put it, doesn't mean that i don't have crap days where i don't know what's wrong

I think i just need a hug

If you went, would you call? Would you text every chance you got like i did?

I check grabaseat everyday for you. Not for me. For both of you.

I know its not exactly an easy friendship, but i'm trying so hard here to make an effort. I know you both get along much better than we do, but I'm still here as well. I just wish that you could both see how hard this is for me, and acknowledge that. It feels like i can't make jokes about anything without having it be taken wrong or offending someone. I know the road to the future isn't easy, but its easier with a friend who doesn't push you back down. I just get the feeling that it would be better if i just didnt mention anything hamilton related. Only problem is, they were my other family. I've never felt so loved by a friends family. Thats not something i can give up easily

That awkward moment when you realise you dont actually have that many friends... :/

The amount of times I stay up for other people is too many to count. The amount of times i make sure they're ok, all while suffering from lack of sleep. But i dont care, because i'd rather make sure my friends are ok. But when i need someone to stay up and text me till some ridiculous hour, either just because they want to keep me company or get to know me better coz they like me for who i am, or because i'm not really coping, there's no one. Its been happening for ages, but what do i do about it? nothing. Common sense tells me to stop doing it for them, but i can't do that because it breaks my heart to see my friends falling apart at the seams, and even if i can only listen to them, i know it helps. But instead i'm here. Typing all this into my blog, because no one is going to reply to my texts

what did i do? How come i keep pushing everyone away?

I miss you and I don't even know who you are

Things that are scaring and worrying me

Failing stats on monday

Freaking out when I get to my bio exam

Not having enough money

Losing the girl who was once one of my best friends

Not knowing what to say to help my best friend

Watching people struggling and not knowing what to do to help them

Not being able to pass chemistry

Being treated like i'm still five next year

Starting uni

Spending 3 days in Hamilton with my best friend and a girl who isn't speaking to me atm

Catching the train to wellington everyday (i hate train stations)

Seeing everyone move away next year

Losing touch with good friends

Being in the middle of making the hugest decision of my life

Losing my best guy mate coz he keeps making stupid comments

My twin

My family not having much money

Making stupid comments that may ruin my friendships

Never meeting a guy that i'm comfortable with

Sleep walking

Some things are "best friends only" ok?

Best friends tell each other more than the probably should sometimes, but thats just the way we are

Sometimes they have inside jokes.

Thats where they should stay. Inside

"well you're obviously Christian, you just don't want to admit it"

Ignoring me and not wanting to actually have a conversation when i need you, does not give you the right to make comments like that. Make up your mind

Sometimes I wish someone would stay up late to talk to me, and help me through things, and help me to sort out my head. Someone to tell me it'll all be ok

no one left to talk to

Person A: I can't talk to you because I feel like I'm dumping my problems on you when you've got enough of your own to deal with. Even though I have an amazing capacity to listen if you need it

Person B: I can't talk to you because its still teetering on not quite being ok yet and I don't feel comfortable telling you my issues because we'll end up back where we started

Person C: I can't talk to you because you don't actually listen. You ask something and then walk off. You send a message and then log off. You text and don't reply. So I don't know what I'm meant to do.

Person D: I can't talk to you because I feel like you have too much else going on and my problems seem trivial compared to yours

Person E: I can't talk to you because by the time i've found the words, you've stopped listening

Person F: I can't talk you you because you've changed lately. You make me feel like a little kid who should be "seen and not heard". It sucks

Person G: I can't talk to you because you seem to have gone into "pretending i don't exist" mode. I can't even ask how your course is

Person H: I can't talk to you because now you've got what you want from me, you're obviously too cool to acknowledge my existence.

Who does that leave me to talk to? No one that knows enough about me for me to feel confident enough to tell them whats going on in my head. No one who wouldn't laugh. No one who it wouldn't feel awkward telling these things.

I know the future is right around the corner and our friends will not be the same ones we made in the last 5 years, but It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't have to hold everything in to protect everyone else

You say its a crock, and that its brainwashing, but you know what, i'd rather have the comfort of that than the alternative. At least they don't swear at me.

The end of the first chapter in our lives, but the beginning of a new one!

Ok so I guess since everyone else is doing this, I will too! Where to begin....

Hannah: Oh Hannah, wise woman of the forest! I remember exactly when I first met you! I was sitting in the AV room (where we sit now actually!), freaking out about whether i had bought the right maths book, Mr Potts at the front of the class and sitting next to JT, who i only really knew by sight. You walked in and went "hey i don't know anyone, can i sit here?" or words to that effect! And we said sure! Just like kindy, the 3 of us were friends straight way! We had to trace around our hands and then write things about ourselves! Anyway, thank you for the past 5 years. It has been full of ups and downs and grudges and hatred. But mostly full of fun. We've all grown up and now the little things dont matter anymore! I've loved our Harry Potter conversations, and reading twilight BEFORE it became cool, i've loved our notes passing in English. You're one amazing girl and I'm proud to call you my ditzy friend! Good luck for next year, and if you don't keep in touch, well..... I know where you live :p

Brigette: Well its been a few years since i met you way back in year 8. Hanging out with you and Rosy and Katy, not to mention all the drama that came with it! Oh to be 13 again! We've also had our ups and downs, but hey, who hasn't? Its been awesome to see you go from the slightly frustrating (no offence!) person you were at intermediate to the cool, calm and collected (!! I'm so cool!) chick you are now. I've enjoyed having you in our group this year and you've definitely earned the title of My New World Buddy! All the best for the future and I hope we stay in touch!

Bradley: Year 4 huh? Long time ago! I'll always remember year 6 camp and our little awesome group that we had! You've been an amazing friend to me over the years and I can't thank you enough for the late night text conversations that kept me sane. English and stats this year have been awesome, even if you haven't sat directly next to me. Sometimes it made english worth going to, to see what you would end up saying! Good luck for the future, i'm sure i'll see you at Vic. Get out there and meet an awesome girl, we know you're capable of that. Get married and have a million kids, dont ask me to babysit! You're one awesome guy and i hope we stay in touch

Leanne: nearly 10 years i believe! The last couple of years have been amazing, from our good times in eco last year to many many biology lessons filled with your wisdom! A couple of great balls thrown in the middle and one crazy boyfriend of yours! We haven't been close close before but it was a few weeks ago that I realised you're actually a pretty good person to talk to when I'm upset. You helped me realise a few things that i hadn't before. I love your sense of fashion! If you go to vic next year I hope to see you there, otherwise good luck for wherever you end up! All the best for the future and I know that one day you'll make an awesome teacher!

JT: Jessica Marie. My twin. How much we have in common scares me. Ooo same middle name, ooo goes to guides... ooo has a neighbour called thomas... ooo likes their neighbour... ooo goes to rangers... IT FREAKS ME OUT WOMAN!!!!!!!! hahahahahaha!!!! You're one amazing girl. You're smart, you're awesome at cycling, you get me into the movies for free! Need I say more?? thank you so much for being there for me through everything. You have a heart of gold, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. I know that one day you'll find the perfect guy and he'll treat you like the princess you deserve to be. Good luck at Pax lodge. You will have the time of your life. I expect skype to be up and running! Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the

life you've imagined. - Henry David Thoreau

Sara: Sarah. You will always be Sarah with an H i'm sorry! hahahaha! I've loved our times in

english this year. I hope that everything goes well for you in the future and we must stay in

touch!

Kimberly: My OMP. Its only been 3 short years that I've known you but it feels like a lifetime (in

a good way!) From Maths with Mr Wooding listening to the cricket,to Mr papa and his

words of wisdom! From History with Mr Hurd and JT to the most amazing year of biology I could

have ever asked for! Miss Brown and all her quirks. Osmosis and our little dances, our inside

jokes, the opening of our Inconvenient spot, our wednesdays watching Jeremy Kyle and eating

pies!. I know you haven't been here this past year but Class of 2011 wouldn't have been the

same without you. I'm so grateful that you are a part of my life. You've opened me to a whole new

world, after patiently sitting there and nodding along while i tried to convince you that you were

wrong about God. I can't thank you enough for everything that you have done for me, so I'm

thanking God as well. That fine thread must have been made of gold for it to hang on as long as it

did without breaking. So here's to the future, whatever it brings. We've got through one year, I

think we're big enough and ugly enough to get through some more! I expect to see headlines in

ten years time saying "Kimberly McEwen, Dentist, saving the world one cavity at a time!"

Steph: Stephanie. My best friend. Where would I be without you? Well probably I'd be a bit more

sane! 3 years crammed with so many memories I don't even know where to begin! Rainbows

pretty much sums up year 11! Thank you so much for everything. Your hugs make everything

alright again, the late night texts, the many many inside jokes! Your sexy bum, all your flab,

creeping people out with our staring! You are one amazing girl and I hope you know that. You

deserve more than the very best. You're the most dedicated, determined person I know, and I know that you will continue to prove to yourself that you can do it. Get out there and go to

worlds. If anyone can do it, its you. The past few weeks have meant to much to me. Knowing I

have you right by my side while everything turns "the right way up" as you put it, has been the

thing that's given me the courage to change my life. I envy your confidence, but i think some of

it might be rubbing off on me! A couple of months ago I never would have been able to tell you

some of the things that have been going through my head! But maybe that's God? Good luck out

there in the big wide world, but remember that I'll always be there whether you need me or not.

Love you so so much my gorgeous fatty xoxox

Right I think that will do! I need to go find tissues now!!! Love you all so much, and all the very best for the future! xoxox

You were my best friend

I could tell you everything

There were things I didn't need to tell you because you knew it already

I would give anything to talk to you on the phone tonight.

This last week has been really hard

But I know you're busy, so I won't ask

I wont even text

But I wish you would offer to be first

And maybe i could have my friend back?

Not necessarily my best friend because I'm not sure where she's gone, but just a good friend

I didn't think writing that would make me cry...

"God loves you. He desires to have a living relationship with you and give you salvation, purpose and eternal life. It is an important decision that only you can make, but you still need to make it!

"1. You have a past...

2. Sin has its price...

3. Christ paid for your sin...

4. You must believe...

"If you'd like to begin a personal relationship with Jesus today, please pray this prayer."

If I do this, its huge. And if I don't do this, well thats huge too because i'm already on the way.

Its like turning back after you've already tramped all the way up to Blue Range hut.
A long hard walk for hours but there's a view at the hut and you know you're not far from the top

and once you're at the top, its a relatively gentle walk to Cow creek hut where you can relax

(plus or minus a few blisters along the way)

If I don't do this and I'm wrong, its bigger than anything i could imagine.

If I do, then its going to change my life forever. Every relationship I have will have a different spin on it

You don't make this easy for me, do you?
For once it would be nice to just hear from a guy that "hey you look nice today" or "we should hang out more often". But no. I'm about to end my entire 13 years at school having only gone out with one guy. It kinda sucks really.

I know its not realistic and i'm not the only one, but i'd kinda like to feel special for once

I think I just realised something

Why does this have to be so complicated???? Can't males just be normal and stop confusing me?

Well that kind of hurt a bit. I don't really know what I was expecting but I guess that wasn't it

and You didn't just brush off my text this afternoon, you completely ignored it

I know that this isn't ordinary but you said you'd be there and you werent

I wish you would text me back

This isn't me
This isn't what I do
But for once I feel Happy

I don't know what I'm meant to do
I don' understand whats happening
But the fact I'm scared
doesn't even matter
Because it feels like it will all be ok

What if it wasn't coincidence?

What if the fact you're still speaking to me didn't just work out that way?

What if the fact that while i was epically failing chemistry, i prayed, meant that things are working out?

What does this mean?

I wish there was someone out there who had all the answers

Someone said yesterday they like the fact I'm christian.

I cried

I didnt know what to think

They noticed me enough to think that I can fit in there.

They think i already do

I've never been so, not honored but yeah.

I dont know if i know how to move forward now

The future was scary before.

Now we've added this whole different dimension

Good job jess

I still don't understand.... :/

"So I gave in and admitted that God was God" CS Lewis

I need to talk to you

Are you there?

Do I actually mean anything to the two of you other than being your answer to all questions about her whereabouts?

X, you texted yesterday to ask how I was but you didn't actually seem all that bothered about what my response was. Two texts later and you'd tied her into your text. Of course i miss her. Are you stupid?? I need her more than anything right now and she's not here. I'm not gonna tell her I need her because I dont want to ruin her trip. One more text and you've stopped replying. Cheers buddy. What happened to being my mate?

Y, you haven't spoken to me in like 3 weeks. I texted you today to ask for a favour and the response I got was so nice I nearly cried. But you still couldn't ask her yourself where she was, could you? I'm just stuck in the middle. Granted, you did sorta hang around to ask how i am but I'm not really comfortable telling you that I feel like crying since you've been ignoring me for weeks.

So if you're not gonna ask me about ME, then maybe you should just keep quiet

Cheers

I'm scared

And it sucks

well today has been up and down...

Seminar is over. I passed :)

Went to have a catch up with the most patient teacher in the world
I got to talk about school and my marks to someone who knew me and how i cope with things

I had someone to reassure me that it would be ok.

Thank you. You will never know how much that means to me, and i think im going to have to come back to visit next year. You're better than any counsellor. I could actually feel the weight lifting off me.

The rest of my afternoon was also good. I got to have a nice vent to another really good listener.

I was able to talk about everything without having to worry if i'd offend.

I got to talk about things that have been on my mind for months and months

Things that i've been told by my best friends that i havent been able to forget

Like "as much as i dont want to say this to you, yes i believe that because you don't believe in god, you will go to hell"

and being told that "its not about the people and the music and the events, its about giving your life up for god, and if you're not ready to do that then maybe religion isn't for you"

Both of which hurt more than anything but i haven't been able to talk about them because the topics are too sensitive to talk about with people close to me.

Being told that actually yes, thats exactly what its all about made me feel better about everything

Telling you about the other thing that has been suggested to me, was a lot easier than i would have thought. i wasn't going to tell you but it just sort of fit in with everything else, so thank you for that. It means so much to me

slipping away

I hate being scared
Its horrible
I'm scared of the future
of what is going to happen
of what i'm going to say
of the past
of what i've said
of what i've seen
of what i've done

I'm scared of losing you
of losing my best friends
of losing the friend that i had in him

I'm scared of making decisions (thats no secret)
I'm scared of saying the wrong thing
of you interpreting the right thing in the wrong way
I'm scared waking up one day and being alone in this big world
I hate being alone

I'm scared that i'm not going to know what to do
or how to make things better
i used to know exactly what i needed to do to make it ok
now all i seem to be able to do is lose you more

When you become "a couple", you automatically become part of a new clique.

Its the "partners" clique. You can only be in it if you are deemed appropriate by the other couples.

If you are accepted, suddenly you have all these new friends and you go off and do couple things together.

You're other friends who are not part of the partners clique are expected to sit and watch

There is no way they are allowed to join in on trips to the movies or picnics or whatever else it is they're all off doing. Even Facebook wall post commenting sessions.

But then when the couple is no longer a couple, they are no longer permitted to be part of the partners clique.

What happens to the friend who was never part of the new clique? well they sit in the shadows waiting, and if the relationship does end, suddenly they are back in the picture. They get to come off standby. Putting all the pieces back together, being the friend they were before they got ditched for the new and exciting partners clique. Being the friend they always tried to be.

I'm going out of my way for you because you're my best friend, and its what we do for each other. But if you'd rather not come because she isn't here, then fine.
If you DO actually want to come then could you make an effort to be kind of excited? Instead of making me feel like shit? Cheers

"People's lives change. To keep all your old friends is like keeping all your old clothes. Pretty soon, your closet is so jammed and everything's so crushed and you can't find anything to wear. Help these friends when they need you, bless the years and happy times when you meant a lot to each other, but try not to feel guilty if new people mean more to you now"

RIP Rachel Nyssa Mackley

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

I'm going to miss you :(

That is all

I think I need a hug :(

i'm glad i could help today

i'm glad you're able to tell me things still

and it means a lot to me that you needed me

made my day :)

• Jess

  • that kinda sucks
    but yeah they make each other happy and i guess thats whats important.I'm used to being second

• 
  

  51 minutes ago

  James

  • Well you shouldn't. You're a beautiful and amazing person. Exceedingly special, to be perfectly honest.

The thing that makes the most sense that i have read all week

"Here you go, Sebastian," I say, when I've filled out the

guest pass and handed it to him. "Knock yourself out".

Sebastian looks down at the pass. "Wow," he says. For a

minute, he looks a lot less like a suspected killer and the

leader of a student revolution than just a scared kid who

got into something that's way over his head. "Thanks a lot,

Heather, You have no idea how much this means to me. I

mean, I know Sarah told you about my roommate situation,

and my parents got me a hotel room, but... Its nice for me

to be able to stay with Sarah. She... she means a lot. I just

didn't realise how much until recently."

Embarrassed, Sarah looks down at the pointed toes of her

high heels, blushing prettily seemingly unaware of

Sebastian's gaze on her. I am torn between wanting to hurl

and wanting to throw my arms around them. They're just

so... cute.

And I realise I'm feeling something else, a third thing. Envy.

I want that. What they have.

I thought I had it. Sort of. But fortunately, I realised in

time that I didn't. Not that I was in any real danger of doing

anything foolish about it, like getting married, or hiking the

Appalachian Trial for the summer.

Still. I'd like what the two of them have. Someday.

~ Size Doesn't Matter by Meg Cabot

lonliness

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
its the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry

I drive on her streets cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills and she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy
I never worry, now that is a lie

I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way, yea yea yea

It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe that I'm all alone
At least I have her love the city, she loves me
Lonely as I am, together we cry

And I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
And I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way yea yea ye-yea
Oh no no no
Yea ye-yea
Love me I say yea ye-yea

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I Gave my life away
Yeah yeah ye-yeah
Oh no no no
Yeah ye-yeah
Oh no no
I said yea ye-yea
I’ll stay

Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu

This is the week that will prove it all.
I've had no weekend to sleep
I've got to work my ass off to catch up on school work
I've got to go to rangers tonight to make an appearance.
I've got to go to guides on thursday
I've got to make the most of my last 5 days with you
I've also got to get through my last 5 days with you
I've got to smile to keep everyone happy
I've got to get through Tuesday afternoon,
a second attempt at the hardest thing in my life right now
I've got to get through friday.

One year on friday
I want to buy flowers for you
Gerberas I think.
The same as a year ago.
Another reason why I need to go to rangers tonight
coz there wont be any on monday next week

I want to smile again,
Properly
without wanting to cry inside.

You will always be my best friend, ok? Don't ever forget that. Yeah I have my Fatties to but we have our ups and downs as well. You're my creepily identical twin and when I'm freaking out or crying, half of the time its you i think of to text. I know you aren't always full of advice, but sometimes I dont need advice, I just need someone to talk to to tell me that its all good and it'll be ok. No matter what happens, i'll get through it. Someone to make me laugh and remember the good times. The last few months have been pretty tough on all of us. You especially, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you but I just couldn't be. The thing is, I was always in the wings waiting for you to come back. You just couldn't seem to see that. I tried to talk to you. I didn't want to shove my advice down your throat because I knew you'd hate that and it would just make things worse. But I sat and watched as you got hurt and there wasn't anything I knew how to do except wait and help you when you came but. But it hurt me when after a week it felt like everything good I had said all come unraveled and I thought it was going to be a complete repeat of history. It wasn't entirely and I could see that you were happier with him but I could also see that he was turning out not to be the guy you fell in love with. I sat around last time and said nothing and this time i wasn't gonna do it again.

I've had a pretty up and down year but I'm attempting to do something about that. Something about the giant rollercoaster ride in my head that makes me want to cry every day.

I know you don't want to take sides over me and your other twin, but i'm not asking you to. I just wanted you to listen. Its not even the fact that he was the one guy I thought i was actually gonna have half a chance with. He was so kind and caring and sweet. Before I left for Finland he gave me a big hug and then when I came back and I walked into E12 at lunch he ran over yelling out "We missed you!" and i got another hug. I thought he was the one guy i was actually gonna have a high school relationship with. But now he's pretty much with one of my best friends. And that sucks. But the bigger thing is that I don't want to see her hurt - like i didn't want to see you hurt. And yeah i'm jealous, who wouldn't be? Watching as your best friend suddenly falls for the friend you've known the longest? Being the one who didn't get the guy, again? Not being able to spend "traditional" moments with your best friend half the time? It would happen if it was any guy. I didn't think it would happen like this but I should have known. She's pretty and sporty and funny and skinny. Who would rather me over her?

You ARE still one of my best friends. You have to remember that. And you have to remember how much I'm going to miss you when you go away because London isn't exactly close

On this day in 2010, you went into hospital.

We didn't know about it straight away

But when we did find out

We knew what had happened

A week of pain was to follow

For everyone, but especially for you

We miss your smile Rach x

I'm sorry that you saw that
I never planned for you to see it,
nor did i ever plan for it to hurt you..
I can't comprehend to you how much I wish we could just get on with life
without having to worry about anything
without getting upset
without freaking out
without being jealous

Its like dejavu.. I started liking him

then i went overseas

when i came back things started getting more intense

then it stopped

I hope you're happy

You got what i wanted

you got him

you got him asking you to the movies

texting you

flirting with you

caring about you

You always wanted to know why i liked him in the first place,

and now you know

he's a decent guy

who actually cares

just not about me

he cares about the pretty one instead

the athlete

the one who is passing

the one who's off representing her country

the one who doesnt have mental issues

the one who isn't insecure

I'm sick of being sick

I want you to make an effort to contact me during the week

I have facebook too you know

I never get sick

But the one time i do you dont seem to want to make an effort to see if i'm alright

so i feel crap
my voice is gone 90% of the time
my throat hurts
i dont want to load up on drugs coz i only have 2 cold tablets left
i have 2 shifts at work this weekend,
plus i need to study
tomorrow will be at least 3 hours
maybe 6
sunday will be 9 hours
i have to go
i need the money
i'm filling in for someone else
but i feel like crap


what to do what to do

oh well thanks.

you obviously care a lot about me

do you not think that it might be nice to repay the favour to me sometime?

gonna be an Almost aunty but technically cousin!!! yay!!!!!

i wish i had someone to hold me
to tell me it will all be ok

to text me goodnight

and tell me that he loves me

Does that really happen or is it just a fairytale?

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

you know, sometimes you never seem to fail to make me feel like i'm not worth it

Who wouldn't feel sorry for him?

argh

It used to be so easy

but now look at me

September 11

Ten years to the day

Rest in Peace

A real friend is someone who would feel loss if you jumped on a train, or in front of one. ~Author Unknown