You don't make this easy for me, do you?
For once it would be nice to just hear from a guy that "hey you look nice today" or "we should hang out more often". But no. I'm about to end my entire 13 years at school having only gone out with one guy. It kinda sucks really.

I know its not realistic and i'm not the only one, but i'd kinda like to feel special for once

I think I just realised something

Why does this have to be so complicated???? Can't males just be normal and stop confusing me?

Well that kind of hurt a bit. I don't really know what I was expecting but I guess that wasn't it

and You didn't just brush off my text this afternoon, you completely ignored it

I know that this isn't ordinary but you said you'd be there and you werent

I wish you would text me back

This isn't me
This isn't what I do
But for once I feel Happy

I don't know what I'm meant to do
I don' understand whats happening
But the fact I'm scared
doesn't even matter
Because it feels like it will all be ok

What if it wasn't coincidence?

What if the fact you're still speaking to me didn't just work out that way?

What if the fact that while i was epically failing chemistry, i prayed, meant that things are working out?

What does this mean?

I wish there was someone out there who had all the answers

Someone said yesterday they like the fact I'm christian.

I cried

I didnt know what to think

They noticed me enough to think that I can fit in there.

They think i already do

I've never been so, not honored but yeah.

I dont know if i know how to move forward now

The future was scary before.

Now we've added this whole different dimension

Good job jess

I still don't understand.... :/

"So I gave in and admitted that God was God" CS Lewis

I need to talk to you

Are you there?

Do I actually mean anything to the two of you other than being your answer to all questions about her whereabouts?

X, you texted yesterday to ask how I was but you didn't actually seem all that bothered about what my response was. Two texts later and you'd tied her into your text. Of course i miss her. Are you stupid?? I need her more than anything right now and she's not here. I'm not gonna tell her I need her because I dont want to ruin her trip. One more text and you've stopped replying. Cheers buddy. What happened to being my mate?

Y, you haven't spoken to me in like 3 weeks. I texted you today to ask for a favour and the response I got was so nice I nearly cried. But you still couldn't ask her yourself where she was, could you? I'm just stuck in the middle. Granted, you did sorta hang around to ask how i am but I'm not really comfortable telling you that I feel like crying since you've been ignoring me for weeks.

So if you're not gonna ask me about ME, then maybe you should just keep quiet

Cheers

I'm scared

And it sucks

well today has been up and down...

Seminar is over. I passed :)

Went to have a catch up with the most patient teacher in the world
I got to talk about school and my marks to someone who knew me and how i cope with things

I had someone to reassure me that it would be ok.

Thank you. You will never know how much that means to me, and i think im going to have to come back to visit next year. You're better than any counsellor. I could actually feel the weight lifting off me.

The rest of my afternoon was also good. I got to have a nice vent to another really good listener.

I was able to talk about everything without having to worry if i'd offend.

I got to talk about things that have been on my mind for months and months

Things that i've been told by my best friends that i havent been able to forget

Like "as much as i dont want to say this to you, yes i believe that because you don't believe in god, you will go to hell"

and being told that "its not about the people and the music and the events, its about giving your life up for god, and if you're not ready to do that then maybe religion isn't for you"

Both of which hurt more than anything but i haven't been able to talk about them because the topics are too sensitive to talk about with people close to me.

Being told that actually yes, thats exactly what its all about made me feel better about everything

Telling you about the other thing that has been suggested to me, was a lot easier than i would have thought. i wasn't going to tell you but it just sort of fit in with everything else, so thank you for that. It means so much to me

slipping away

I hate being scared
Its horrible
I'm scared of the future
of what is going to happen
of what i'm going to say
of the past
of what i've said
of what i've seen
of what i've done

I'm scared of losing you
of losing my best friends
of losing the friend that i had in him

I'm scared of making decisions (thats no secret)
I'm scared of saying the wrong thing
of you interpreting the right thing in the wrong way
I'm scared waking up one day and being alone in this big world
I hate being alone

I'm scared that i'm not going to know what to do
or how to make things better
i used to know exactly what i needed to do to make it ok
now all i seem to be able to do is lose you more

When you become "a couple", you automatically become part of a new clique.

Its the "partners" clique. You can only be in it if you are deemed appropriate by the other couples.

If you are accepted, suddenly you have all these new friends and you go off and do couple things together.

You're other friends who are not part of the partners clique are expected to sit and watch

There is no way they are allowed to join in on trips to the movies or picnics or whatever else it is they're all off doing. Even Facebook wall post commenting sessions.

But then when the couple is no longer a couple, they are no longer permitted to be part of the partners clique.

What happens to the friend who was never part of the new clique? well they sit in the shadows waiting, and if the relationship does end, suddenly they are back in the picture. They get to come off standby. Putting all the pieces back together, being the friend they were before they got ditched for the new and exciting partners clique. Being the friend they always tried to be.

I'm going out of my way for you because you're my best friend, and its what we do for each other. But if you'd rather not come because she isn't here, then fine.
If you DO actually want to come then could you make an effort to be kind of excited? Instead of making me feel like shit? Cheers

"People's lives change. To keep all your old friends is like keeping all your old clothes. Pretty soon, your closet is so jammed and everything's so crushed and you can't find anything to wear. Help these friends when they need you, bless the years and happy times when you meant a lot to each other, but try not to feel guilty if new people mean more to you now"

RIP Rachel Nyssa Mackley

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland