Deja Vu

Why does it always have to be convenient to you to talk? Why can't it be that you put aside your crap for 5 minutes to listen to me cry? It's always the other way around unless you're having a great day and remember to ask me how mine is.

I want your advice
I want to laugh with you
I want to cry with you

I honestly didn't think it would be this hard and I wish you never left. It seems like an eternity. Not being able to talk reminds me of last year. So much. And I hate it

Ugh. I don't know if i can wait until next friday

just another memory

It hurts so much
To see pictures of you having a ball
Every photo I have with you
is a memory from when we were all together
Now all your photos
have you with your new friends
with your other best friends
It actually makes me cry.
Writing this is making me cry
I know there are only 20 days
until we can make more memories together
but for now
every photo of you i see,
reminds me that you are not here
every photo of you i see
is another memory that i can't share with you
I didn't know it would be this hard
we promised each other it would be April at the most
we promised to write
but you've lost the letter you're writing
I miss you so much
I don't know how to deal with it
i'm so scared to lose you
We promised that we would never lose each other
but we promised April
and now its May
I don't like being selfish
I don't like being jealous
but I hate it that sometimes all I feel like I am
is just a memory of the past

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like a selfish bitch. It's not my fault, I just want someone to care for once.
I can't talk to you because you're 6 hours away. I can't tell you stuff that matters because you don't fully seem to get how much it hurts.
I don't know if you were telling the truth today. I don't like Marcus. He makes you happy and that hurts like hell. But i don't know if he's a very good influence on you.
It hurts when i'm texting you and you let him steal your phone. Then you don't tell me that its him not you. Luckily I can tell. Most of the time.
I don't wanna pour my heart out to some random that I've never met. I wanna pour my heart out to my best friend
I want to tell you i'm coming to visit so much... but i won't because i know you'll love the surprise. I just wish it wasn't so hard

Hello again Blog

You say that you're here for me

but you always have to go

You say that you wanna hang out

but something always comes up

You say that you can't because you're so busy

but you find the time to hang with everyone else

You say that what I say wont change anything

but now i feel awkward

It's not my fault that I don't know what I want.

I wish I did.

I wish it was as easy for me as it was for you.

But this will change my whole life forever

I don't know if I'm ready to make that change yet.

It's not my fault I can only talk to you about it to a certain extent

I need to share this with her too.

I feel like such a hypocrite,

changing my mind like this

and I hate feeling like you think that of me too

Hey,

I'm sorry I didn't say Hi tonight. I wish that I had at least smiled at you - i feel really bad..
I saw you sitting up the front next to Mrs B, that made me smile :)
Maybe I'll see you tomorrow? Or one day next week - besides thursday
I'll have to let you know how my maths exam went :S
I think that its really helping.. but I'm not sure what else there is that i can say to you that isn't what i've already said.
Maybe if i write it down? I tend to think of things to say to you AFTER we have spoken and its most annoying.
Tonight was good - today was good really. The sunshine stayed all day and i wore a summery dress - that helped - i felt really good
I laughed tonight. I had a really good time. It was a bit sad sometimes, but it was good seeing Ms F. Thats when i saw you. I know you saw me but i didn't know how to react. -I'm sorry

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most.

Dying seems less sad than having lived too little.

However long the night, the dawn will break.

Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.

We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.

Sadness flies away on the wings of time.

Hey Beautiful,

I want to write about you today. I want to write in my book of memories about you but I can't bring myself pick up a pen - and its currently 11:07pm so I don't wanna get the words wrong and not have those memories to read in 10 years time
I've been writing about your funeral, its been nice thinking about how beautiful it was. I'm up to writing about the cemetery now - its hard but i want to do it so that i'll never forget.
We miss you at rangers. We miss your emails that you would send us hurriedly on a sunday night reminding us that we had rangers the next day. We miss the photos with you, the laughs the hugs.
I know you've been visiting people, thats awesome :) Feel free to visit me sometime. I'd love to know that you're safe - all i got was a moth outside my window haha

Come to Rangers on monday and watch us make idiots of ourselves! Georgia is planning outdoor events so who knows whats gonna happen! We're also making our time capsule - i'll be sure to put something about you in it :)

I hope you watch the fireworks tomorrow - i'll be thinking of you. One month tomorrow :/ We've had two nights at rangers without you Rach. Sorry we didnt sing taps at the cemetery - it would've been hard enough to get through it even if we had known the words! I'll never forget the last times we were all together - Gangshow 2010 and then that last goodbye at the cemetery :'(

Me and Maddi are coming to visit you on Sunday :) I'll be sure to bring tissues - and dont worry Rach, i'm looking out for her - she will be ok

Love you loads

PS i might have to buy some new tissues by then!